Monsters
14 years ago
May 03, 2010
You never think it will happen to you. You never think the relationship will fade into the background while other issues surface. But there are days that it does. People who've ended the distance, they warn you about the loneliness, the inadequacy, the homesickness. But you always--incorrectly--believe that it won't happen THIS time, not with OUR relationship. The constant worry about finding a job. I guess I should have seen this coming a few days ago. When I was making dinner and I was worried about the kitchen not being clean enough. I nearly had a panic attack when I could hear his keys in the lock, but I spotted a spot on the counter that needed wiped. Not talking in a superfluous way, but in a real, legitimate way. I had to breathe deeply and get my shit under control because I was moments from losing it.
I can't go mindlessly browse train tickets for a week trip home, either. I'm missing Shelby's Kindergarten graduation. She called me yesterday and sang me her graduation songs over the phone. I am crying hysterically as I type this. I feel like...shit. Like less than shit, actually. I think part of me died when I realized what I'd done. How can I ever live with myself now? Will she ever forgive me? Will *I* ever forgive me?
I am completely and utterly useless. Hopeless. Stupid. Terrible. The list goes on. It'll keep going on. I have no regrets, but I have plenty of worries. "What ifs". Times when I think I only did what was best for me, and in this condition I have to question if I even did THAT. My own boyfriend thinks the highlight of living with me is my cooking and cleaning and taking care of him. For $12 an hour he can have someone else being his girlfriend, you know?
I need to find work, and I've been HOPING for a specific job, but it might take awhile to hear from them. I'm not sure I have "awhile" to wait. He isn't openly resenting me, but I'm sure it is coming I pick up on the dropped hints from others. I might take part-time min-wage work just to be away from the apartment for awhile. Make me feel more useful. It sucks that it is summer, school is out. At least when I was learning I didn't feel stupid.
Ever have one of those days?
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1 comments:
I have those days even though Jason and I are still 1400 miles apart. You should get out and meet some people. I know we've never met, but I only live like 30 minutes from Austin. At least we have WoW in common, so we'll definitely have something to talk about! lol
Shelby will forgive you, and for that reason you should forgive yourself. I know exactly how you feel though. I'm going to miss my niece's dance recital because I have to work at my second job. I feel terrible about not going, and she only lives 2 hours away.
I'm sure there are more, better, things your boyfriend thinks of living with you. I think we go through our lives with a lot of "what ifs" and worries. I know I have them myself.
Like I said, if you need some breathing time and some time with a female compatriot, we should set something up.
All my best *hug*
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