Monsters
12 years ago
June 22, 2010
Two months later I am really feeling the move. I'm very much alone here. I have a job, and I like it just fine. My co-workers are super fun to talk to, but they aren't likely to become my "friends" any time soon. My family is very far away, and I am now (for sure) missing my nieces 2nd birthday party.
I'm glad I moved, but lately I've been needing more reassurance. I can tell I am holding Brandon back from his life. There are things he wants to do, namely, getting a motorcycle, that I am definitely impeding. Money is STILL an issue, and I imagine it will continue to BE an issue for awhile.
I'm not as strong as I need to be. I don't have enough faith that we'll get through this tough part, the depressing and hard parts, and get to the easy part.
I just can't shake the overwhelming urge that I just don't BELONG here.
Brandon is great, and I love him very much. And when school starts I am sure I will feel 100x better. But, for the next couple of months, I will just sort of...exist as a tumor in Brandon's life. And completely miss out on my own.
I don't know what to do :(.
I haven't updated this in so long, and I apologize to all one of my readers (thanks mom!). Lots of things have been going on and I wasn't in the mood to write. Recently I had gone through a very downward spiral of depression. Unemployment, the feeling of utter uselessness, I felt like I was using Brandon, and I was afraid that it would only be a matter of time before he began resenting me. I think once that line is crossed, no matter how many jobs I get after that, it cannot be uncrossed. My soul just kept sinking as I felt we were nearing the point of no return. On a whim I applied to a Craigslist posting for a local salon catering to children. They were looking for a part-time receptionist. I sent the owner an email, attached a copy of my resume, and went on to apply for jobs at places like HEB, Petco, Wal-Mart, Target, Wal-Greens, Petsmart, anything. I have also applied for a job I really want, one I won't name here as the place has strict safety and privacy concerns. It is a great job with good pay, great hours and amazing benefits.
As a result of wanting this job so badly, I have gotten in the habit of checking my phone and e-mail every 4 or 5 minutes for a response from them. Low and behold, the salon contacts me instead! I went in for an interview. I think I did well, and my resume is great for a position of this nature, but the owner mentioned that her business is mostly word of mouth and community driven. This was, of course, after *I* had mentioned I just moved here a month ago from Chicago. She mentioned interviewing a lot of people for the position. I left the interview feeling great, but not at all confident that I got the job.
Getting the interview left me with a temporary self-confidence high the helped me get through the next week. But the next Monday I hit rock bottom. I couldn't stay here anymore. I didn't have the strength of mind or heart to continue to be a drain on Brandon. No one was hiring. Even Wal-Mart and Target had 0 open positions. The job I really wanted wasn't calling, and I had (still have) completely lost hope about it. Brandon logged in to chat on his lunch break at work and I broke the news to him: I was unhappy, depressed, and regretted moving here. He was sweet, and he always is, and I love that about him. But, in the middle of our conversation my phone rings. I answer it and VOILA! It was the salon owner. She was calling to let me know I have the job!
I'll write more about my job later (I really enjoy it). But I told you about it so I could tell you about the title of my blog: THE FRIDAY BLAHS! I work today, which is no biggie because my job is fun, and then I am off Sat, Sun, Mon (Memorial Day!). But, despite the 3-day weekend, despite being off every Sunday from now on, I still HATE the weekends!! Why? Because Brandon has to work. His "weekend" is Wednesday and Thursday. So for us "Friday" is actually Tuesday. And today...is actually Monday. So I am suffering from the real-life Friday, but actually pseudo-Monday blahs. (And yes that pseudo is pronounced 'swade-o')
Have a nice holiday weekend everyone!
May 03, 2010
You never think it will happen to you. You never think the relationship will fade into the background while other issues surface. But there are days that it does. People who've ended the distance, they warn you about the loneliness, the inadequacy, the homesickness. But you always--incorrectly--believe that it won't happen THIS time, not with OUR relationship. The constant worry about finding a job. I guess I should have seen this coming a few days ago. When I was making dinner and I was worried about the kitchen not being clean enough. I nearly had a panic attack when I could hear his keys in the lock, but I spotted a spot on the counter that needed wiped. Not talking in a superfluous way, but in a real, legitimate way. I had to breathe deeply and get my shit under control because I was moments from losing it.
I can't go mindlessly browse train tickets for a week trip home, either. I'm missing Shelby's Kindergarten graduation. She called me yesterday and sang me her graduation songs over the phone. I am crying hysterically as I type this. I feel like...shit. Like less than shit, actually. I think part of me died when I realized what I'd done. How can I ever live with myself now? Will she ever forgive me? Will *I* ever forgive me?
I am completely and utterly useless. Hopeless. Stupid. Terrible. The list goes on. It'll keep going on. I have no regrets, but I have plenty of worries. "What ifs". Times when I think I only did what was best for me, and in this condition I have to question if I even did THAT. My own boyfriend thinks the highlight of living with me is my cooking and cleaning and taking care of him. For $12 an hour he can have someone else being his girlfriend, you know?
I need to find work, and I've been HOPING for a specific job, but it might take awhile to hear from them. I'm not sure I have "awhile" to wait. He isn't openly resenting me, but I'm sure it is coming I pick up on the dropped hints from others. I might take part-time min-wage work just to be away from the apartment for awhile. Make me feel more useful. It sucks that it is summer, school is out. At least when I was learning I didn't feel stupid.
Ever have one of those days?
April 26, 2010
Lately I've become disenchanted with the notion of *rules* and how they apply to *love*. Perhaps I am biased in that my relationship began non-traditionally, and is currently healthy and strong. Perhaps I am biased because some of my new friends are in less-than-ideal romantic situations and more in love than some married couples I know. Perhaps I am biased because I think some people are just jealous freaks of nature who need to mind their own business. I'm happy. There, I said it. I am happy. I'm with a loving, caring, and amazing man who treats me right. We have a great life that can only get better.
And you know what? I can proudly say that I didn't let the confines of social opinion determine who I could and couldn't love. I didn't let social opinion determine when we could and could not move in together. It is nice to take a breather and relax and realize that the lingering doubts and guilt about my relationship stem from nothing more than what other people might think. And that is just stupid of me to allow any sort of outside perspective muddy what we have within these walls.
Like Brandon and I discussed. No two people in this world live the same life. We don't die the same death, we aren't born the same way. Why in the world would we expect everyone to LOVE the same way? Each relationship will have its own beginning and own ending. And long as the middle was filled with love, hope, and respect, then I truly believe there is no right or wrong way to begin a relationship. Sure, people may roll their eyes and laugh at us when we tell them we met through World of Warcraft. I really stopped caring. We're happy. Billions of people in this world, what are the chances I'd meet someone like Brandon in a bar in Chicago, or Greene County, IL? Zero, the chances are zero. There is no one else like him on this planet. I consider myself lucky to have found him, even if society deems it "less than ideal".
On to other news: I've been cooking since we've been here. We've had porkchops and mashed potatoes, spaghetti and meatballs, and tonight we're doing meatloaf and cheesy potatoes. He eats what I make, and he appreciates it. He'll NEVER know how much that means to me that he says thank you, and he means it. I love you Bee-Dub.
April 24, 2010
We brought our kitties home Thursday. They're adorable, and already have unique personalities. They were, for all intents and purposes, feral kittens. Unsociable and scared. After two days, they are a bit better. For the most part, though, they spend their day trying to find ways to hide from me. It is all good. Once those little bellies start wanting food, they think we're awesome.
Here are the little goobers now. Such silly little kittens. They like to play once they're fed, and sorta sleepy.
Meet Darwin. He's my little kitten. I picked him out and named him myself. He is super laid back. He doesn't mind being petted, held, cuddled and kissed. In fact, he's basically tame. He was the biggest kitten in the bunch, and definitely our lazy cat so far.
And this is miss Vega. She is Brandon's kitten. She is the most beautiful cat I've ever seen. She has tiger stripes on her legs, and leopard spots on her tummy. She is SASSY. She hisses and spits and bats up a storm. She is our scaredy cat. She likes to try to jump gaps and climb things. She's gonna be the crazy one, we can already tell.
April 22, 2010
Yes, we did watch the Love Guru. And yes, we liked it. I'm typing up this blog post between loads in the dishwasher. We just purchased all of our needed household items last night, and they need a quick wash before putting them away. Washing is always best, you never know if Anthrax Steve handled your dinnerware before deciding to go with something a bit more classic. My breakfast banana is fantastic, and it is already 65 degrees (F) outside at the moment. Cloudy, but I can handle all that juuuust fine. After a bit of cleaning we will get ready to head over to Brandon's grandmother's house to pick out my kitten, and pick up his kitten. This blog will have lots of kitten pictures!
We were out all day yesterday. Just loads of things to do! Heck, before it was even noon we had purchased a few weeks worth of groceries and gotten them into the house and put away. We made a trip to Petsmart to get all the things we'd need to raise two adorable kittens. Later, we ran a few World of Warcraft randoms, then enjoyed a small rest. After THAT we headed to his mother's house for dinner. A delicious pizza and a yummy side salad. And after THAT we went to Super Target to get all of our household items.
One thing we've both commented on is how fun doing normal activities can be when we're together. We enjoyed spending an hour in the grocery store, we enjoyed spending an hour or so in Super Target. This may dull with time, but for now, we are taking full advantage of every second we get to spend together. In fact, as I update this blog, he is resting in bed watching some television. This is the first time in 5 days that we haven't done everything together for every minute we had available.
I love sitting here knowing he's just in the other room. That I could jump up and crawl into bed with him if I wanted to. That there is nothing keeping me from doing that. Not blogging, or housework, or this banana. I'll keep blogging, because he'll still be there. It is taking me awhile to adjust my mindset to understand that I am not leaving in a few days. Our seconds, while valuable, are no longer rare. I had a bit of anxiety last night, about things relevant to the LDR world, and I will delve into them further perhaps tonight or at a later date. I would like to give myself time to analyze the emotions. Additionally, Brandon reads this and I'd like to keep some of my personal feelings private until I can work them out on my own. Regardless of the issue, he knew something was wrong, and we cuddled in bed for a bit until I felt better. Thank you sweetie. Here is a picture of the handsome devil:
God, I just love the way the light plays off of his top-knot. And the scaliness of his green skin contrasting with his state trooper mustache, it gets me every time. Top it off with those Clark Kent glasses and you have my dream guy...
And last but not least, a quick pic of our checkout at the grocery store. We had a great time, and will be having yummy dinners for awhile!
That is a lot of ketchup! I make a decent fettuccine alfredo, and we'll have spaghetti, meatloaf, porkchops, and all kinds of good stuff. I have to take care of my man!
April 20, 2010
So little updates! I apologize, but we have been INSANELY busy. Unpacking, cuddling, putting things away, cuddling, talking, cuddling, sleeping while cuddling. He's at work and I miss cuddling :(. Before I delve into posts about our day-to-day lives I figured I would update on how the "move" actually went. I'll pick up where I left off....flat tire #2. My second flat tire threatened to push things back even further. I'll admit I panicked about it, became quickly overwhelmed, and just sort of decided things just weren't happening any time soon. To make matters slightly worse, Brandon was at a meeting at work and not available to reply to my crazy texts! I was on my own, save for my mom, who gave me the encouragement I needed to change that tire myself and get the hell out of Chicago before all 4 of my tires mysteriously ended up flat. So, with new determination, I set out to change that GD tire!
One problem: I wasn't exactly dressed for tire changing. Sandals and yoga pants do not scream "hard work".
But with a little bit of standing on tire irons, and kicking tire irons and screaming at lug-nuts, I totally got that tire changed!
And the end result was a donut tire, and a major personal victory over my own anxiety. I was very proud of myself. Who was I not proud of? The 7 or 8 grown men who walked by me in the parking lot of my old apartment complex, so essentially my neighbors, who didn't take the time to ask if I needed any help. If I saw me, I'd offer to help! And I'm not even talking about the people who were leaving, but people arriving, clearly about to go chill in their apartment! Oh well, it gave me a little independence, but I still find it despicable. Good riddance Chicago.
I stayed with my family for a week, and it was great. There was drama, but there is always drama. Had a nice day out with Shelby and Layne, and that is always fun. I left Saturday morning at 7am and arrived Sunday morning at 12am. That was 17 hours of driving. Although, an hour and a half or so was sitting, resting my eyes, etc. It was not fun, to say the least. But I refused to stop halfway and spend the night. I wanted to BE there. My head hurt, my legs and booty hurt, my eyes hurt and my hands hurt, but I totally did it! All 876 miles with minimal stops and breaks. And I didn't get lost in Dallas, either! I'll post some *taken hastily from my cellphone as I drove quickly by* pictures.
FIRST! Congrats to my old car Clancy for rolling over 100,000 miles. Good job old girl! It should also be noted that I had to fill my car up twice for the whole trip. Yay Clancy!
Next is a cool picture that I always love to see live when I am driving south of where I am from: the Piasa bird. The piasa bird is a bird the native americans in the region painted on the side of a bluff, suuuuper high up. I'll post my picture, but if you follow this link you can see a better picture and read about the legend of the Piasa Bird!
The first state I crossed into was Missouri. Missouri is just like Illinois, except you can drive 70 on the interstate and 60 on some of the highways. As you can see in the picture, Missouri was nice and sunny. It was the longest single stretch of highway I drove the entire time at about 380 miles. It was, by far, the most boring part of the drive but also the easiest. The weather permitted me to roll down the windows, which kept me from getting car sick. Yay Missouri! Unfortunately, I was also witness to a pretty bad accident. The accident occurred in the other lanes traveling the opposite direction, so it did not interrupt my trip. It wasn't at all fun to witness. I tried to snap a quick pictures as I drove by, horrendous I know, but hopefully any victims in this accident were recovered and well. The only picture I could snap was a fairly macro shot of the underside of one of the tractor trailers there were overturned in the accident.
That's right folks! Texas. And as you can see from this poor quality photo, the weather in Texas was worse than the weather in Missouri. Good one Texas, good one. There goes your reputation! Being bested my MISSOURI?! Shameful, truly shameful. There will be a re-match in December. We will see who wins :)
The rest of the drive was stressful. I was tired, and it was pouring down rain and the roads were under construction. All I can say is thank GOODNESS for GPS. I love that thing, even if it did take me the weirdest way through Oklahoma possible.
I made it, with some effort, and I don't regret it. Things have been smooth thus far, if a little awkward. I am still worried about how this will turn out. I have very high hopes though. For now, I will concentrate on getting things settled here, making life easy for Brandon, and finding myself a job.
As a side note, I do have to say that I really admire Brandon's inner strength. He's been going through a lot of changes lately and he's taking it very well. Or at least, visibly taking things very well. A lot of changes in his life...moving to a new apartment, living with his girlfriend, changing things at work. I just hope I can make things easier on him. If I can't, there is always cupcakes and chicken fettuccine alfredo!
Wish us luck,
Courtney
April 13, 2010
Seriously, seriously, stop deflating my tires. I'm at a breaking point. I can't handle any more surprises or stress. So, whoever you are, whatever you are, please....leave me alone for a few weeks. Once I'm with Brandon, bring it on. He can keep me safe with his freakishly good luck. But, until then, go away.
I made it a block before I realized my tire was flat. Again. Different tire. In case you've forgotten...I just paid $305.67 for brand new tires. Four of them! So to have a flat tire today was...unexpected. I suspect outside forces at work. Malicious gnomes, if you catch my drift.
Fortunately, I had the good sense to pay extra for my tires to get the "this covers any and everything that could happen to your tires" warranty. It'll get fixed. For free. BUT....it'll take time. I have to take the tire OFF, first of all, and put the spare back ON. Drive the 11 miles to the tire shop with a car full of every single thing I own.
The issue here isn't even the inconvenience. It is the fear. The fear that things are going wrong for a reason. The fear of the unknown or the uncontrolled. The fear that I'm going to get a flat tire and be stranded somewhere between Chicago and my parents, or worse, my parents and Austin.
I had an interesting talk with someone last night. His girlfriend is having a really tough run of luck (much tougher than mine, and I do feel guilty for whining) anyhow, she's having a tough run of luck lately. As a result, she has been systematically pushing him away. We spent a bit of time sort of...conjecturing as to why that may be.
In a very micro level I could relate. Her life is messed up right now, stuff keeps going WRONG. It is difficult enough to deal with your own life disappointments. But when someone loves you, they take those tragedies to heart as well. You're stuck dealing with your own feelings, and the feelings of someone who matters. Additionally, it is quite humiliating to be so vulnerable and exposed. To tell someone "I am a mess". Especially someone who matters.
To my someone who matters: I am a mess. I need you :(
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